


Learning to Say Goodbye

by thepinkus27



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Angst, Character Analysis, Depressing, Gen, HIV/AIDS, Heavy Angst, Introspection, Jason-centric, No Plot/Plotless, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26489422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepinkus27/pseuds/thepinkus27
Summary: After Whizzer falls ill, Jason learns to accept his new reality and what's to come.
Relationships: Jason & Marvin (Falsettos), Jason & Whizzer Brown
Kudos: 14





	Learning to Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally just Jason acting as a vessel for my feelings so if it doesn't quite fit that's why. Also I hope this doesn't jump around too much but yeah. I promise next update will either be a repost or fluff but either way it'll be something more upbeat.

It doesn't feel real. 

When mom gets the call from dad about Whizzer's falling ill during a game of racquetball it doesn't feel real.

You're frozen in place, and it's like the world stops spinning for a second. It's like your reality has been shaken. 

You think she's kidding. It can't possibly be happening. No thirty two year old with a loving family and his whole life ahead of him should be in a hospital bed with an untreatable illness that nobody knows about and that's only going to get worse until he inevitably dies. 

This isn't happening. 

You keep trying to reassure yourself that it's a bad dream that you just have to wake up from until you get your first look at Whizzer. 

Dad is constantly reassuring him that he looks better and that he'll be free before he knows it until you blurt out that Whizzer looks awful, because he does. Dad shoots you a look, but you feel there's no point in lying about it. His once round youthful face is sunken in, pale and sweaty, and when you give him a hug you can feel his ribs. But it's slightly reassuring that he still has his warm inviting smile that brightens up the room, even if now it isn't as powerful as it once was. But you're sure it's just to make you feel better because you doubt he's actually happy at all. How can he be?

And the spots all over Whizzer's body were really concerning to you. They looked like little bruises, and you're worried they may be cancerous. But if they were cancerous, wouldn't everyone just say so? Nobody knew what Whizzer was sick with. Nobody tried to pretend they knew. That was another thing that scared you. 

You leave the hospital room feeling overwhelmed, because how can this be happening? Why does your best friend have to go now? Why can't anyone stop it? Why can't anyone do anything? You feel so powerless. You're just some kid. You can't help your closest friend and that drives you insane. And you know that it will only get worse and that breaks your heart. You can't imagine that. 

You wish Whizzer were healthy. You wish this weren't happening. You wish time would stop. Your feelings become overwhelming as they take over and anxiety and sadness is all you can feel. You want to cry but the tears won't come out. Your chest begins to tighten. 

On the drives there and back the car is always silent. You worry about what to say but any attempts to spark a conversation die within a few seconds and you're back to square one. Plus, it feels like there's nothing that needs to be said. You all know where you're going and why. You end up trying to distract yourself by looking out the window at the familiar surroundings. 

Mom says that if it's too much for you you don't have to visit Whizzer, but you feel some kind of drive to keep visiting him, as if it isn't up to you but it's just what's right. You don't want him to feel as if his illness has changed your dynamic and you don't want him to miss you, and you know his time is quickly running out so you should enjoy him while he's still here, right? Even if he isn't the same and the mere sight of him rips you to shreds. 

You don't know what to do with yourself half the time during your visits. He used to always be talking about something and cracking jokes. Conversations didn't require thought and would flow easily between the two of you. He'd never not respond when you said something. It's like his brain is trying to process what you're saying but it's not getting anywhere. He seems endlessly exhausted and just plain out of it, as if his body is there with you but his mind is off somewhere else, on some other plane of existence. You can't shake the feeling that this isn't right on some fundamental level. 

Everyone else fades to the background eventually and it feels like they aren't there anymore as your eyes are glued to Whizzer, and you try to figure out what he's thinking and what he's doing. You know you couldn't possibly know for sure but it doesn't stop you for you've always been curious. He's your best friend; you can't help but care and want the best for him. 

You want to be yourself around Whizzer. You want to talk to him like it's normal. Like dad does. You want to be patient and happy. But you can't. Instead you're silent and you hide behind mom and Mendel. Whizzer feels like a stranger. He's not who he was. You try to play chess with him, and if you don't pay attention to how he barely holds himself up, things feel normal. 

Why your Whizzer? Why does he have to go now? Wouldn't he want to see you graduate? But you know it isn't his choice. You're sure that the Whizzer you know and love doesn't want to leave you so soon. You know your Whizzer wouldn't want to hurt you, but you can't help but feel hurt when he falls asleep during your game of chess. 

Everything is too much for you and it feels as if life has stopped making sense. There's no right answers to your questions, and nothing reassures you completely. When you tell others they don't know what to say to you and you just wish you'd never brought it up to begin with. Or sometimes they try to connect to you through some situation that really isn't like yours at all, and it leaves you feeling more misunderstood than ever. 

It's strange how the adults around you don't know anymore than you do. They don't know how to fix this. And it's weird because it seems as if they always knew what to do. They're adults. Isn't it their job to know everything? 

When dad calls mom to give updates on Whizzer you find yourself listening to her side of the conversation. It's pretty easy to decode what's going on. But then it's all you can hear and you become overwhelmed because how could things possibly get any worse? That's the weird thing about life. It surprises you with how terrible it can be. 

Even though it's you and your family going through this together you still feel alone and like no one could possibly comprehend how you feel or what your relationship with Whizzer was like. Even though you have other friends and other people in your life it feels like Whizzer is all you had and soon enough he'll be gone. You don't know when it'll happen or what it'll be like then but you know it'll come. 

You catch yourself thinking about him often, and it's so exhausting because you end up on this downward spiral that ends with you feeling as if there's no way out. But yet you can't stop yourself. Everything reminds toy of him, mostly of memories or conversations you once had. Whether it be how the park reminds you of playing baseball or how a song you heard was one he liked. It's weird because he's not even dead yet.

You can't imagine what life would be like without him. He was your best friend; nobody could listen to you the same way he did, and nobody could help you improve as much as he did. It feels like the world couldn't exist without him. 

You think it's wrong but you wish he'd die because then he'd stop hurting. You don't like seeing him in pain, and watching him he looks as if that's all he's feeling. He can hardly do anything anymore. Watching him walk so slowly and with so much difficulty has to be one of the seven labours of Hercules, but you don't know how to help him. What is there to do? 

But even if nobody could replace him, you still try to find someone or a combination of people to fill the space in your heart that will be empty when Whizzer is gone, because you know whatever Whizzer that took his place isn't the real Whizzer. You tell Mendel about girls, mom about your problems and dad about chess. They aren't the same as Whizzer but they're good enough and make you feel less like the world will fall apart, and more like things will be okay and life will carry on the way it always has and does. 

Even though dad doesn't experience the same feelings you do, he's there for you when you talk about Whizzer. He listens and he shares. It feels validating, talking to him. You feel more closer to him than ever. And although you don't always talk when you think about Whizzer, whenever you want to talk you go to him first. He understands you more than anyone else does. He likes him as much as you do, and he knows him, but not exactly the way you do, but it's close enough. 

You both agree Whizzer is warm and safe and radiates happiness, and he's energetic and captivating and makes the room feel alive. He can be gentle and caring when the time calls for it, and he always knows just what to say. You both remember baseball games and ice cream, late nights talking about anything and everything, and singing, in the shower, in the car, while cooking. When Whizzer was around, he'd make it clear and he'd capture everyone's attention. And he could make the toughest, coldest person smile. 

It's different though because dad is so much more clingy to Whizzer and he's more depressed but tries to be happy. And he's so sweet to Whizzer, the way he coos and holds him. You've never seen dad like that with anyone. 

You just feel like you can't relax no matter what you do and you want to lock yourself in your room again and be alone. Dad doesn't get it, but he tells you it's okay and everyone deals with things differently.


End file.
